The Spaniel Annals

Last month Rozzie was bred to a field champion Melchris springer, and we’ve been waiting for today, the day of the ultrasound. She’s been off her feed a bit, a wee bit moody and lethargic, and to me just a bit full in the tummy. So we went to the vet’s quite expectantly.

But no puppies. The vet found four little blobs that are not developed, and appear to be re-absorbing into the uterus. She suspects that Rozzie’s uterus, being that of an older bitch, has too many “cystic changes” and so was unable to bring the puppies to term.

The heart is a strange creature, subject to erratic shifts and irrational dreams. When this adventure began, all at the behest of the breeder, I was apprehensive and reluctant, simply ready to get an obligation (a “litter back”) done and move on with our lives. But as the possibility of puppies grew, and as Rozzie showed signs, I began to resurrect an old hopeful dream about what Kani, and now Rozzie as her daughter, could bring into the springer world. Perhaps I would take a puppy from this litter. If not, Rozzie would now be “viable” and I could breed her to a sire of my choice next year. Perhaps I’d see Kani coming back to me in one of her grand-puppies.

Those dreams really do have to end. Rozzie needs to be spayed–mother nature is making that very clear. And I now realize what those resurrected dreams are really about. I just want Kani back. I want her to come back, and it’s not going to happen. At least not in this life. But that’s all I want. And I find myself right back in the grief of two months ago.